You can’t force someone to stay religious
The initial excuse given by the ultra-Orthodox, to be exempted from army service, was due to their religious studies, precluding them from taking part in the defense of the country. Now, the truth is out. The real reason is the fear that some will become secular, per former chief Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef.
And while it may be that some have left their closed communities, once they performed military service, it is not the only contributing factor why a religiously observant individual chooses to leave the faith. There is a wide range of reasons that cause the ultra-orthodox to walk away from their communities, and that encompasses everything from oppressive leaders, oppressive norms, the condition of observance for earning love or acceptance, molestation, rape, sexual abuse, gender issues, lack of belief, hypocrisy and much more.
While it’s extremely difficult to abandon the chosen lifestyle of one’s family and friends, the painful decision to do so, usually comes after much struggle and a sense that the extreme coercion and pressure, experienced by that person, is no longer possible. Going into the frightening unknown is preferable than remaining in their familiar surroundings.
For this reason, a number of support groups have been established to help these people transition away from their communities and into a regular life. Those who leave the fold come to the immediate realization that they lack the skills to adequately support themselves, since their education, almost entirely, focused upon religious training. Consequently, so many turn to these organizations for help.
One such place is Footsteps, an organization which provides a variety of educational and cultural resources for the purpose of acclimation towards the goal of helping individuals to live self-determined lives.
Back in 2016, it was estimated that approximately 1300 Haredim had left their community, but none of those were due to military service, which, as Rabbi Yosef says, “corrupted” those who went in. According to a survey, taken in 2021 by the Israel Democracy Institute, 19,100 Haredim, who left that lifestyle define themselves as “traditional, secular or having a mixed lifestyle.”
More than 3,000 men and women leave the Haredi (ultra-Orthodox) community each year, and, according to statistics, over 35,000 from ages 20-35 have left in recent years. While it is tempting to use the military as the sole reason that young people become less observant, it is not accurate nor representative of the real stories which are related by those who have left. As one person, who had made that journey wrote on Quora, “I felt like someone who had been paroled from a dungeon, like I had gone from darkness to light.”
Forbidding Haredi men to serve in the military, for fear of their becoming secular, will not likely prevent them from doing so, if they have already considered such a possibility. Forcing these men to maintain a lifestyle, which they are expected to continue, will not necessarily guarantee that remaining in the fold is out of a personal conviction and choice.
Since the societal pressure, within these communities, is so intense, it demands a rare amount of courage and determination to end the suffering, in order to leave. But for those who stay, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are doing so out of personal loyalty to the faith.
“Leaving the Fold,” a documentary made in 2008 was one such account, following the lives of five young people who had been part of the ultra-Orthodox community but chose to leave. Their closed society prevented them from seeing the world outside, lest they be labeled as rebels. Viewed as “pariahs, once they do muster the courage to leave, they must confront the emotional, financial and other challenges which come from departing the insular and safe community which they have known.
The film is described as a “complex spiritual journey in the opposite direction from constraints and the strange beauty of religious fundamentalism inside the Hasidic world to the intoxicating uncertainties of personal freedom of those few who would escape it.”
As most of us know, once children grow to adulthood, being observant or choosing to remain in the faith, to which they were introduced by their parents, must become a personal decision, one which usually comes from their own belief that this is the framework in which they want to live their lives and raise their future families.
If they are able to come to that perspective independently, without the alternative being threat of ostracization by those within their faith community, then their choice will usually be a solid one which will not be influenced by outside forces.
Conversely, if they feel compelled to remain in a faith which they find smothering, oppressive or incompatible, with their own viewpoint, then they will always feel conflicted, coerced and pressured. Even if they never muster the courage to take that giant leap of escape, they will probably never not be able to be the kind of rock-solid endorsement that attracts others towards a personally satisfying and meaningful faith.
It is for this reason that these Haredi leaders, whose fear of losing the next generation, is holding onto them for dear life by forbidding them to be among those who defend the homeland and their people. The uninspiring message that is being sent is that only by remaining in the protective bubble of their community, are they able to replenish their numbers. Whether or not that impacts our safety or our country is irrelevant, because if there is the slightest chance that military service will cause them to think differently, it must be prohibited.
Sadly, it doesn’t work that way. Coercion and societal conformity often end up doing the opposite. When someone feels that they are being forcibly prevented from doing something they see as important to them, they will become bitter, resentful and angry that they are unable to determine their own destiny. It is the beginning of an internal struggle which can only lead to the insatiable desire for personal freedom.
Since God gave us our own free will, to make good or bad choices, knowing, in advance, that some of us would not choose well, why should anyone try to force others into a belief that may not be theirs? You can’t demand someone to remain religious if it is not in their heart to do so.
But if you allow them the freedom to choose, they often do come to the right conclusions which they have carefully thought through by themselves.
A former Jerusalem elementary and middle-school principal who made Aliyah in 1993 and became a member of Kibbutz Reim but now lives in the center of the country with her husband. She is the author of Mistake-Proof Parenting, based on the principles from the book of Proverbs - available on Amazon.
